I’m no longer curious

The elusive mocktail: a beverage that satisfies one’s craving for relaxation and liquid social equity—minus the deleterious effects of alcohol. It’s a tricky category in the beverage industry because remove the spirit from most cocktails and you’re left with watered-down fruit juice, a fancy garnish, and a sugar rush.

Curious Elixirs claims to end all that with their non-alcoholic beverages boasting zero refined sugar and added adaptogens to help mimic the relaxing feeling of booze. It’s heavily marketed to women like me (my Instagram algorithm had it popping up every second ad grouping ), so I finally caved and bought a variety 4-pack for $47. But after drinking them I was left with one burning question: why are people raving about diluted fruit juice spiked with natural downers?

The first flavor I tried was Elixir No. 5, the smoked chocolate cherry old fashioned. Honestly, I couldn’t finish more than two sips. It’s like tart cherry juice went rancid in the sun while a motorcycle revved its engine next to the open bottle. Like tar and tire rubber and Wright’s liquid smoke curled around bitter, expired, dark chocolate-covered berries. And let’s be clear: I love peaty drams, but this fruity, exhaust-pipe extract was undrinkable and went down the drain without a second thought. It took an hour for the smoke flavoring to ebb on my tongue.

Then I tried Elixir No. 1, the pomegranate Negroni sbagliato. This one wasn't awful, but as an avid Negroni fan, I don’t get the appeal of a mildly effervescent POM juice that someone left open on the counter. It was tart, chalky, and sour with no mid-tones. It quickly went flat and separated in my glass, growing dark and chunky at the bottom.

My other complaint is the bottling. Each bottle is supposed to have 2+ servings, but the bottles aren’t resealable, which makes no sense if it’s supposed to be consumed carbonated. I wasn’t sharing this with anyone, so my second serving lost carbonation in minutes. It too went down the drain, rinsing away the rubber-scented remnants of the smoked old fashioned.

Next up was Elixir No. 2, the spicy pineapple ginger margarita. This mocktail states it has “organic lime juice extract,” but there’s nothing organic tasting about it. It has a distinct plastic flavor reminiscent of those lime-shaped juice bottles sitting atop the grocery store citrus display. The ginger overwhelmed any hints of pineapple, and the spices from the jalapeño and red chili extracts were unbalanced. After a minute of dilution on ice, this mocktail tasted like spicy plastic and salt water. With so many beautiful tequila alternatives on the market, why not make a better mock-marg at home?

Lastly, I cracked No. 6, the coconut pineapple painkiller. I figured this one wouldn’t be hard to mess up since painkillers traditionally have four ingredients: pineapple juice, orange juice, coconut cream, and booze (okay, five if you count the grated nutmeg garnish). My first thought was, again, you have 2+ servings, but it’s in a can. I can’t reseal a can if I just want one serving. So either I consume both (which is 18+ grams of sugar) or I throw a serving out. My second thought was: why add oat milk? It’s notoriously sugary and separates weird if it even looks at an ice cube. I asked my mom to try this one and her reply was, “It tastes like orange juice someone left in the fridge too long.”

Overall, I was disappointed in Curious Elixirs, especially for the price. I appreciate what they’re trying to do by supporting sobriety in a creative way—and for busy people, I understand the convenience of a subscription service—but the flavors lacked refinement and it felt like I’d spent too much money on diluted fruit-juice concentrate scraped from those cardboard tubes you find frostbitten in the freezer section.

I’m also wary when a brand’s main selling point centers around questionable nutritional information. In this case, Curious Elixirs boasts having zero refined sugar, yet they contain numerous “fruit juice concentrates” and “unrefined coconut sugar,” which in the end is still added sugar. The FDA states that "concentrated fruit juice" can't be used as a sweetener in a product labeled "no sugar added," but they can use the water-mixed-with-fruit-concentrate method (called “fruit juice from concentrate”) to sweeten drinks without having to claim added sugar on the label. So, either way, you’re consuming more sugar than is stated with these because all sugar, regardless of its origin or processing, can still increase calorie content and spike glucose levels.

Here’s hoping more companies branch out into the N/A market so the NY Times actually has a few to choose from next time there handing out awards. For now, I’ll stick to my sugar-free CBD sodas and keep exploring the growing mocktail options that Instagram insists on telling me I have.